on shedding my skin

loss is a word
that lives like a snake
all coiled up and hissing
slithering
through tunnels
of comprehension
and coming out
the other side
found
::
::
::

loss is a word
that lives like a snake
all coiled up and hissing
slithering
through tunnels
of comprehension
and coming out
the other side
found
::
::
::

for a manifesto, of sorts
.. .. .. .. .. ..
i want to be the old laughing lady.
i want to notice the things that really matter, always.
the sweet smile, the embrace,
the first daffodil poking its head through the snow.
.. .. .. .. .. ..
i live in the world i have made for myself.
i survive in the world at large.
my heart spit out its bitter years ago,
making room for more love.
and more questions.
.. .. .. .. .. ..
i run through life at top speed
because i want to fit everything in.
there is too much of everything.
there is not enough of anything.
.. .. .. .. .. ..
words are my window to existence.
i am words.
i have always been words, even before i could speak them.
.. .. .. .. .. ..
i believe that being alive is a gift.
i believe that being grateful for every breath you take
is the only way to say thank you.
i believe in so much and so little, all at once.
.. .. .. .. .. ..
i am a heart that beats out a pattern
like a far-off drum in the night.
i am a soul.
an old soul, a new soul, a wise soul.
a soul that knows nothing.
.. .. .. .. .. ..
i am open.
.. ..
….
….

it seemed like such a simple question
what would you take with you
if your house was burning down
but it came with too many answers
and then
not enough
and then it sat just there
staring back at me like a mirror
taunting me
daring me
double dog daring me
to answer
if you want to know
i will tell you
on my way out the door
i picked up books and photos
my grandmother’s
gold and white teapot
the christmas bell
my father gave me
the drawings my son
crayoned as a child
a favorite teacup
my journals and poetry
the rose-colored glasses
my mom handed me
on my thirteenth
birthday
cards and letters
my favorite soup pot
the flannel shirt
my husband wore
at our wedding
lace doilies crocheted
by my oldest friend
a necklace made by my sister
my arms grew tired
my burden, heavy
when i got to the door
i turned
and set it all down
all of it
arranged it neatly
in a shrine
to memory
took one step backward
and then another
and another
then finally turned
and walked outside
empty handed
empty handed
heart full
::
::

lately I’ve been:
searching my soul
caretaking
shifting
skeptical
catty
grateful
aware of my mortality
aware of my limitations
aware of my humanity
furious
full of joy
impatient
calm
forgetful
nostalgic
open
closed
and everything
in between

this is the corner i live in
…….ripe with seed and detritus
burdened by sun and potential
…….promises, promises
i have
music that will never be heard
stories that will never be written
wisdom that will never be learned
it’s not tomorrow.
…….it’s never tomorrow.
this is hope, all hard and prickly.
you always thought
it would feel like velvet
…….didn’t you?
:
::

Okay, it’s quite true that I’ve always taken the road less traveled, not exactly on purpose but just because that was always the one that appealed to me most.
Less traffic, less people, less been there done that. Out of the mainstream. Off on my own.
So where has it gotten me?
Out on a limb, up a tree, tangled in thickets? Dangling from a limb?
Perhaps.
Either way, it’s where I am. I took the road less traveled by and it has made all the difference. And though there are some days when I shake my head and wish I had chosen otherwise, in my heart I know it was the only road I could have taken. My feet walked that way naturally, and to have forced them to do otherwise would have been next to impossible.
Right now, my life is a crazy whirlwind of work and not enough time. This is not new, this is not a surprise. This is not my beautiful life.
Except, it is.
I know this, I know that this is the life I have. I also know that given my druthers, it is the life I would choose. Again and again and again.
It is the only life I know how to live, this life of listening to leaves rustle and kittens cry and whispers of words that refuse be silent.
This is my life. Yes, I could second-guess myself all day long, and on some days, I do. On some days, a 9 to 5 job in an office full of worker bees sounds like the perfect solution.
Here, I buzz around by myself and try to make it all work. Try to fit in a life around the busyness.
Some days, I think I should give up this blog and the other blog, reclaim that time. But I love this place. This place of words and pretty pictures. This place that is mine. Some days, this is my oasis.
So here I am, standing at a fork, again.
And you know what? My feet have already started down that same old same old path.
The one less traveled. Because that’s who I am.
Come along, walk with me.

yesterday i read old poems
and laughed at myself
all that anger
leather
tethered
to skinny arms and broken heart
made up armor for mixed up girl
tough skin to hide behind
all painted red and pretty
somewhere along the line
i let it go
all of it
released it into air
that cradled and promised
watched it float away
waved goodbye
shed no tear
now, now
i sit in this same old kitchen
hard chair
curved back
worn slightly by years
of useful
use
i know the scars and scratches
that run beneath my fingers
each one could have been a sentence
or at least
a perfect word
etched along the surface
of sanity
marking time
yesterday i read old poems
and laughed at myself
:
::