that's mrs. mediocrity to you

Because it felt like the right tree at the time. But then, one day, you find out that it wasn’t, that you were supposed to be barking up an entirely different tree, the one with the cat really stuck high up there in the branches.

And that changes everything.

So you look around, find another tree. A tree that definitely has a cat in it. And you bark and you bark and you bark, and still, nothing happens.

You change your strategy.

First you stop barking and just stare. Then you pretend to look away, at other things. Later, you sit, glancing up every so often to make certain the cat is still there. Later still, you lie down, fall asleep, forget to watch for the cat at all.

Or maybe you don’t forget, but instead, you multi-task. You keep one eye open, just a crack, in case the cat makes a break for it. But then you don’t get any good sleep and that makes you cranky.
Plus, you’re getting hungry. Really hungry.

And that makes you stand up and start barking all over again.

It’s an endless, vicious cycle.

The cat, of course,

just smiles.

::

there is both

more

and less

time

than you think.

::

a clock that ticks in my ear, mocking.

a bell that echoes down an empty hall.

a mirror that stands propped against a curtain.

a velvet dress that has yet to be worn.

:

a smile on a face that dreams of silence.

a bird that sings to the almost dawn.

a wind that howls though no one listens.

a tear that falls from an eye, half-open.

:

and this moon that taps on my window.

beckoning,

or seeking warmth.

Two good things:

First, today, I am over at Vision & Verb thinking about abandoning my first word of 2011, which was balance, and maybe, just maybe, adopting a new one. Since I keep writing about hope–sorry, but it just keeps popping up–I’m starting to think it was supposed to be my word in the first place…

::       ::       ::

And second, over the past week, several people were sweet enough to bestow upon me the Stylish Blogger award. I am honored, truly, and grateful and blushing. Thank you, Stephanie, Emily and Stereo! So, I am supposed to link back to these wonderful new friends, tell you seven things about myself, and then pay this award forward to five recently discovered blogs.

Okay, so here goes, seven things about me:

1.  I have six cats and a dog. If you already know me, this is not big news, but since some of you are new here, I figured it would be best to get it all out in the open, again. In case, you know, you are allergic or something.

2. Chocolate, roasted red peppers, broccoli and zucchini are my favorite foods. In that order.

3. I read a lot, I am always busy, I am never bored and I’m always crazy (see #1). Not necessarily in that order.

4. Alaska is the place I most want to visit before I die. Not from a cruise ship. From somewhere smack dab in the middle. Of nowhere. (Oh, this is probably the right time to mention that I am a hermit, in case you don’t know that yet, either.)

5. I’m a romantic at heart, an idealist by nature and a purist by design. Except sometimes I’m not any of those things. And sometimes I am their opposites.

6. When I was young, I wanted to be pretty much who I am now. Go figure.

7. I’m really good at building fires, (the legal kind, of course!) and even better at sitting it front of them.

So there you have it. Now for five recently discovered blogs…

Besides the three wonderful people that passed this award to me, here are a few of my newest reads:

Mujerzen’s Blog

Elizabeth Deacon Photography

a muse

Andrea Maurer, Storyteller

Krista Kruger Photography

But whether you are recently discovered, or have already become an old friend, you know I love you all, right?

i am empty

i am open

i am waiting.

in this place

of impatience

trying hard

to be patient.

i am vessel

i am basket

i am bowl.

air spins round

inside me

cyclone of promise

taking up space

present

but not quite

there.

i am empty

i am open

i am waiting.

Okay, so clearly, I am in a rut.

And if I keep walking in it, I will only make it deeper.

I need to gather myself and jump up and out, up over that edge I can barely reach.

The thing is, I’m very clumsy and I’m probably going to slide back in, several times.

So I keep waiting. First I say I will try it after I do this thing, and then I think I will wait and do it after that thing, or when I am here, or after I’m done with this.

This is how the days keep getting past me.

See? I’m actually starting to figure a couple of things out. I have to stop waiting. For anything. Waiting just adds to the problem. I need to be climbing, scrambling, building a ladder, planting trees, or digging steps in the sides of this cave.

Something.

And I need to look up. I keep forgetting that part. Well, hey, it’s slippery in winter, you need to watch where you are going so you don’t fall down.

But what if I do fall down?

Is that the question?

Lately I am having the hardest time buckling down, getting things done, accomplishing anything. I blame it on the weather, but it’s a lame excuse. And then I start to wonder why I need to blame it on anything at all, is it a flaw, this lack of drive, or is it just a temporary state, a time to refill and recharge and allow whatever happens, or does not happen, to be?

In fact, I gave myself permission to do just this, to do whatever I wanted in January, or not, as I so desired. Of course there is work, and that is not optional, but beyond that, I told myself it would be okay if I did nothing, at least for this one month.

And here I am feeling guilty about it, constantly feeling like I should be doing this thing or that thing, or accomplishing something, or getting this, this and this ready for the year ahead. Silly me.

Or crazy, workaholic me, whichever comes first, and these days, I’m just not sure.

I gave myself permission and that was not enough. I planned for this break, and now I second-guess myself. Every evening, I walk around in circles trying to choose what to do, when all I really want to do is read.

So much for balance.

I am completely off-kilter and it’s only the middle of January. I have forgotten how to relax, and now I am stuck in this limbo between running around like crazy and enjoying some down time, not really doing either one. And so, not reaping the benefits of either.

I keep thinking I must be doing something wrong. I know my life is good, I do. I just need to figure out a way to make the days less of a jumble. Is that even possible? It looks like other people do it, but I have never figured out the secret.

I don’t have an organized brain. I accept this about myself. I work around it, but I always end up back in the same chaotic place. I think it’s who I am. Are creative and organized mutually exclusive? Maybe, I have no way of knowing.

Or maybe I just wasn’t meant to be buckled down. But we’re all buckled down to this life in one way or another, aren’t we? Even Peter Pan had to have his shadow sewn back onto his foot.

Still, my mind keeps rebelling and flying off to other places, declining to go where I direct it, refusing to stay where I set it down.

How does that saying go, “If you love something, set it free?”

I’m thinking it might just be time to give that one a try…

this post is part of  one word wednesday over at jillsy girl

blood red

on a backdrop

of gray on white

color of life

life hidden

inside

waiting

watching

for warmth

to burst into

leaf

in summer

this color

goes

unnoticed

everybody comes unraveled occasionally.

it’s good to be able to follow instructions.

sometimes you get all tied up in knots.

with enough patience, you can almost
always get things straightened out.

relaxation comes in many forms.

handmade and old-fashioned are still the best.

it’s possible to create order from chaos.

the math you learned in 10th grade
really does come in handy.

wool socks are still the warmest.

pattern and repetition soothe the soul.

some days are red, some days are blue.

in winter, it’s good to do something
that keeps you warm.

tying up loose ends is a good idea.

sometimes you increase, sometimes you decrease.

having the proper tools makes any job easier.

often, what looks like a big jumbled mess,
comes together quite nicely in the end.

frozen, though i sit before a fire.

whispering, though no one else is home.

asking, though answers seem irrelevant.

hungry, though my body has been fed.

the romance of winter

begins to give way

to an endless restlessness,

this craving for forest,

this longing for moon.

such a long way to go

before i get there,

as i sit here,

melting snowflakes

in this room.