that's mrs. mediocrity to you

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This post is part of Reverb 13:

Day 12: Today, identify something muddy that kept recurring for you throughout 2013, and then ask yourself this: What’s the clear truth underneath this damn mud if I finally wash myself clean??

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Time.

I get stuck in it, again and again. It grabs at my ankles, slowing my pace, just as I try to race through life.

The mud of time dries on my skin, cracks and crackles, weighs me down.

All the things I want to do versus all the things I have to do versus all the time I don’t have.

There is never a right answer.

But the funny thing about time, you learn to love it, even as you fight it, even as it taunts you, even as it refuses to budge.

And so, I embrace each moment. The good, the bad and the ugly, as well as the profound, the lovely, the beautiful. Each morning I arise and hobble (not jump) out of bed, and for that brief, single moment, I am clean.

And then it’s time to go out and get my hands dirty, again and again and again. To wallow in my beautiful mess. To allow each day to be what it is.

Life.

I watch my outdoor cat: he plays hard, runs through fields muddy or not, hunts and kills, hides and seeks, rolls on the ground to scratch his back.

But always, at night, before he goes to bed, he spends a good half hour washing himself clean.

And then he sleeps, hard and sound.

In the morning, he is the first one up, ready to race out the back door and start all over.

Clean, dirty, clean again.

Life.

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This post is part of Reverb 13:

Day 11: What challenges lie ahead in 2014? How might you meet them boldly?

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living. loving. aging.

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with grace,

and courage.

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This post is part of Reverb 13:

Day 10: Living life on auto-pilot can feel disorienting and dull.
How did you cultivate a life worth loving during 2013?
How can you turn off your auto-pilot button in 2014?

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hold your heart
in your hands
on your sleeve
on the tip
of your tongue

listen

everything
everyone
everywhere
is telling
their story

stop

step aside
let life
race past you
stand in silence
and wait

breathe

feel the wind
lift your hair
the sun
warm your skin
embrace this place

hope

claim your path
carry baggage
burn the bridges
of time
offer shelter

rest

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This post is part of Reverb 13:

Day 9: Who inspired you in 2013?

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If this were an actual mirror, rather than just a photograph of a mirror, then you would have the answer to this question.

I’ve never been a huge fan of celebrity or fame or those that claim to have all the answers… these have rarely been the people who inspire me.

Instead, which I suppose makes sense given that I am mrs. mediocrity, I am inspired by the everyday, ordinary lives we all lead, inspired by those that live with the questions, those that struggle and persevere, those that give and give and give and ask for nothing in return, those that offer kindness without expectation, those who toil and survive, those who find comfort and solace in nature.

In other words, you.

I’ve walked on this earth for half a century now, (why does that make it sound so much longer than 50 years?) and I am blessed to have so many people in my life (both here in this virtual place and in the “real” world) that inspire me on a daily basis. By showing up, by carrying on, by giving and helping and offering kindness in tiny and gigantic ways to almost everyone they meet.

Just yesterday I was cleaning my studio and realized how lovely it is to dust and straighten all the tiny pieces of people that I have surrounded myself with. Works of art, photographs, written words, lovely notes, cherished gifts, both from the closest of friends and family, and from people I’ve never met face-to-face. People who are part of my life, just the same. You are all here, in this room with me, this room that I spend most of my time in, surrounded by the most valuable type of gifts–gifts from the heart.

This room is my safe harbor, my portal to the world. I look out and see you all there, and this space I write in, here, has allowed me to show you tiny pieces of myself.

Always, you have been kind and accepting and generous, and for this, I am ever so grateful.

I aspire to be the same.

You are all, each in your own way, an inspiration.

xoxo

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This post is part of Reverb 13:

Day 7: Please post your favorite picture of yourself from 2013, self-portrait or otherwise!

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I looked. I really did. But I am good at avoiding the camera, both when it’s in my own hand and when it’s in the hands of others. And perhaps someday I’ll get over my camera-shyness, (probably in the same year that I stop dying my hair and let it all go to white). But, I am not there yet, and today is not the time to start, I’ve been sick forever and I look like hell. (Though I laughed at this photo of this queen, because in truth, that’s how I have felt and probably looked for much of the last two months, flat out on my back with a miserable look on my face.)

And I realized, as I was searching, that in truth, my poetry reveals more of me than any photo ever could. Each one contains at least a tiny piece of me, and many others are full-blown portraits. So I offer to you a favorite from April, a word-selfie, and hope that this will do:

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sixpence and jabberwocky

i want to pull an alice and dive into a mirror
surely life looks different from the other side

backwards and cockeyed and filtered through
lint left on the surface or smudges stamped
by florid fingerprints and the brittle bones
of everyone who’s ever touched you

always lit like a window in an opulent dream
this place where everyone wears dresses
and no one ever thinks to ask your name
loneliness is a hamper and heartache
is eternally for breakfast, served over easy

with tea, of course

i want to talk to prepubescent butterflies
smoking peace and posturing philosophy
aces and spades kings and queens grinning cats
roses that bloom and bleed and bloom again
always late all this hate always late

shadows are made from silence turned sideways
and music is the way your mouth moves
time is a harness on the horse of hardship
dragging hard on the carriage of comfort

and i am the queen who wants to be whole
but no one hears me in here, knocking

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This post is part of Reverb 13:

Day 5: What was the greatest risk you took in 2013? What was the outcome?

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every day,

i got out of bed.

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every day,

the sun rose.

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This post is part of Reverb 13:

Day 4: What have you lost, what are you grieving?

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I sit in the dark of very early morning, pondering this question.

The truth is, I feel I have no right to answer.

The truth is, I feel blessed by the fact that I’ve lost so little. That I have so much.

Not material things, because the truth is, that is not at all where my wealth lies. When it comes to things, I have very little.

But when it comes to life, I am decidedly rich.

The truth is, I’ve yet to experience the kind of earth-shattering loss that will make me grieve for years. There have been a few bumps along the road, friends, and pets that I loved, truly. But all the people I am closest to, all the people I hold close in my heart are still here, in my life.

I could talk about other things I’ve lost, things like time and youth and innocence. But, no matter.

The truth is I am so glad to be here in this life, so happy to be alive, so in love with the beautiful mess that surrounds me, that I have no time to grieve small losses.

I know that someday, this will change. Someday my heart will be broken in ways I can only imagine. Someday there will be devastating losses. This is a truth I cannot escape.

But today, just now, I can only sit here in this chair, in front of this dark window facing east and wait for the sun to rise on another day, a perfectly boring ordinary day that I will do my best to cherish.

Today, just now, I’ve lost little. Regret almost nothing.

I am here.

And I will make that be enough.

In fact, it will be everything.

don’t be afraid of the cracks and wrinkles
the pockmarks and pitfalls
the threadbare and worn spots

this is where you learn

no wait, that’s not right:

this is where you shine

bring your heart out
at least once a year
polish it up
plaster the wounds
give it some air

don’t be afraid

it’s not as fragile as you think

nor as bitter as the taste in your mouth

there is glitter on your tongue
baker’s sugar, marzipan molds

reshape the breaks

repurpose the shards

reuse the molten memories

don’t just lie there
in your mess of sharp edges

bleed a little

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This post is part of Reverb 13:

Day 3: What does your heart have to tell you?

Also joining in today over at dVersePoets for Open Link Night.

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This post is part of Reverb 13:

Day 2: What made your soul feel most nourished this year?

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this year,

and every year before it,

it is always

simply this:

words

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