illumination

whether it arrives head on
in a line straight as time
or comes at you
from all directions
curving gently around each bend
.
bask in the glow
.

whether it arrives head on
in a line straight as time
or comes at you
from all directions
curving gently around each bend
.
bask in the glow
.

My window to the world.
Yesterday, Pepe the quiet kitty sat on my bed all day and
watched icicles melt.
My dog, who usually spends the day next to Pepe,
spent the day in my studio instead, on the floor next to me.
He’s a scaredy-cat (dog?) and thought the sky was falling.
Truth is, it’s been falling all winter,
but it’s hard to explain the difference to a dog.
Just now, the sun is shining, though later,
it’s supposed to start raining, with a chance of flood.
I’m talking about the weather again.
I see my reflection
echo
stretch behind me into eternity.
February’s mirror.
.
.

we do this dance round the kitchen
bouncing off each other like pinballs in a space too small
for one communicating in a language evolved from grunts
and sighs and a pat on the leg that means: excuse me
our life grows from this place and there are always flowers
purchased with food because they offer the same slow
sustenance and this one tiny window does not
reveal as much as it keeps the light out behind
curtain wall curtain and there’s no room for waltzing
but we make do and break our bread in the silence
that falls between now and forever even though
you never like what i cook and i never eat what i
like we never go hungry or further than the living
room with its fire our food a dark chocolate finale
as dishes pile up in the corner crooning leftover notes
of consumption and waiting to be washed while we
do this dance round the kitchen
.
.
.
.

It’s been a week of up before dawn and in bed long after dusk. A week of work and work and work and taking care of the business of life. A week much like any other when it comes right down to it.
Winter holds us in its darkness, frigid cold, frozen. We build fires and bundle up and complain. Being able to complain is the blessing, though one that hides itself in bitter words and false lament.
In between all this work and this complaining and this living, I write.
Like a fool that cannot stop herself, I give up sleep and precious hours in exchange for words. Words that slide from my fingers just as clearly as if they’d been spoken.
Words that light up the night, keep me company, guide me along the dark corridor of February.
That’s what writing always is, isn’t it? A shot in the dark.
And you never stop being afraid that you’ll miss, or even worse, you’ll hit an artery, a vital organ.
But laying down your weapon is never an option. Surrender only comes when the words have filled the page.
And there is always another page, always words pressing down on some inner, bleeding wound. The perfect bandage.
It’s cold and it’s dark and I let the words flow. Even when I’m not writing, they course through my mind in tune with the beat of my heart.
My telltale heart. Always, I let it speak.
I listen to the whispers.
You never know what ghosts they will reveal.

is always temporary
like the darkness
you’ve learned
to forgive
dawn is never your saviour
but almost enough
to make you
believe
clean is a fresh white cover
despite the mud
crawling through
what lies beneath
a map of every step
you’ve ever taken
you could be followed
you cannot wash yourself in crystal
you never were pure
this is the way you will melt
a pool of poison
sifting merriment
from bones
this soil contains us
eternity’s sacred measure
gravity’s compression
gleaning diamonds
to atone
.
.
.
.

.
at this time of year, seeing the sun is an event
.
let’s call this one
blue jay heaven
.

And February is always the longest month, no matter what the calendar says.
But this morning the sun is shining and the snow is sparkling and it’s hard to be mad at her, this second-month girl, as she flirts with dawn and begs to be scolded.
When there is nothing to be done, the path of least resistance is acceptance.
And so, I accept.
I’m about to don my winter gear to go out and rake snow off the roof in the one spot that will always leak after a snowstorm no matter how many times we have it repaired.
While I’m out there, I will feed the birds, because seriously, would you want to be a bird if this was your playground? I’m sure that by now, the tall grasses have been stripped of all their seed, the black-eyed susan’s little brown heads have been picked clean, and the berries on the holly bush are just a memory.
But the sun is shining.
From my window I can see bits of snow glittering from the tops of those tall grasses, like diamonds.
Everything out there is dressed in black and white or gray, so apparently, this party is a formal affair. I’m almost afraid to crash it in my barn coat and purple wellies.
But, after all, I am just the gardener, and Mother Nature is the queen.
She would hardly expect me to show up in a dress.
All the same, I suppose I’ll have to bow and curtsy and comment on the decorations.
And if I’m lucky, later, I’ll be invited to stay for dessert.

i watch the sound of you
make shapes in the enemy of sky
and you shift change until I lose
the voice behind your words
this earth is cold and grey
and i stand motionless
as you scream
your quavering dance
through a wind
filled with knives and
stinging nettles
your flight is the map
of all things living
and i raise my arms
briefly
thinking perhaps i could
cut in
learn to waltz
or at least
follow
but I am no angel and
you have black wings
i have fingers and toes
and this listening heart
and we both know
this is always and never
even as you land
on the corner of my shadow
pecking code and
marking melodies
neither one of us
is free

I’ll take deep shadows
and the light that causes them
over the blank-faced wall
of forgettable grey
any day.
.
.