i am thinking
i could use a friend

But it is late, too late and it is just me, here, with the moon and all these cats, who are usually enough but tonight, another night in a rough week, a tough week, a week of too much work, and too much conflict, and too much not enough quiet, these cats and this moon are not quite enough to soothe me.

Most of the time during a week like this, which seems like more weeks than not, lately, all I want is to be by myself, alone, to unwind, decompress, listen to silence.

But every once in a while, on a warm, windows open kind of night like tonight, a night that would be a porch night if I had a porch, I find myself wishing I had a girlfriend, a neighbor maybe, who would stop by, late and unannounced, and sit across from me at the kitchen table and drink tea, no, whiskey and lemonade because it is too warm for tea, and talk me through it, around it, over it.

And we would complain about the heat, and laugh about silly things like dresses and movies and bad hair days and old boyfriends and sappy poetry and endless hours of folding laundry. And then move on to deeper subjects, life and living, love and heartache, tragedy and mystery. We would solve all the problems of the world. And suddenly, it would be 3:00 a.m. and we would say, both at once, “I haven’t stayed up this late in years.”

But now the moment has passed and it’s no big deal, and I wasn’t really in a poor me kind of mood, it was just a little late night reminiscence brought on by this warmth, already a little too warm, reminding me of summers when I was a young girl. My mom always had girlfriends like that, although she never drank anything stronger than coffee. It was one of those moments, a possibility of perhaps… something I might be doing if I had that life.

But in reality, my reality, most of the time I like to be alone, or at least the kind of alone that is my husband sleeping in the next room. And I barely have time for the friends I have now. And tomorrow, it will be fine, I will call one of those friends, and we will laugh.

Anyway, it was just a thought, and it is late

and there’s just me, here.

Besides, I have all these cats,

and the moon, she knows my name.

17 Responses to “i am thinking
i could use a friend”

  • angela marie Says:

    i so get this!


  • Tracy Says:

    Hmm. I had a friend like that once… and life changes. People change. I changed.

    G. and I sat outside the other night, talking about who we would welcome as the surprise “pop-in.” You should ask him about it sometime.

    In the meantime, at 5:00am I too sat in the (relative) silence, sipping green tea and listening to my wind chimes sound off in the wind. The cats were in opposition to my peace, instead treating the house like a jungle gym.

    I was glad when the sun came up.

    Gone are the days of a girlfriend dropping by for some conversation and tea – or to take a page from my past, frozen pizza and cheap red wine…

    Sign me,
    ms. melancholy

    • Mrs. Mediocrity Says:

      Yes, gone they are. Maybe that is why old ladies always have cats. 🙂

  • Marcie Says:

    Yes..yes. Me too – I mostly prefer being alone..and the silence. But every now and again – a ‘friend’ would be so welcome. One who knows my life – past and present. One who knows me.
    And now that that moment has passed….

  • Debi Says:

    I could have written this – felt like you’ve been reading my heart. I wish I lived next door – I would be the kind of neighbor you could tell “not tonight” and it wouldn’t hurt my feelings. The world needs more porches.


  • georgia Says:

    i want to write like this! you have a gift.

    and like angela marie said, “i so get this” too! i have five or six really close and dear friends, and when we do get together, some of those things you mentioned do happen. but not all of them. i see friends like you mention here in the movies all the time. and every time, i think “oh, how i want a relationship like that!”

    the closest thing i have is my twin sister, because we go waaaaaay back. but unfortunately, we also know each other TOO well, and we know how to push each other’s buttons, so a lot of that magical twin connection goes out the window after one or two comments that struck the wrong chord.

    all this to say, i’m so grateful for the friends i DO have. my best friend, jessi is also very much this person that you described to me. but my sadness in that relationship comes in the form of not enough time like this. but when we do get together, we laugh. we cry. we drink plum wine and eat our favorite thai food. we listen to music and go second-hand store shopping. she’s awesome!

    okay… sorry for the long comment. one more thing. if we were neighbors, and i had a porch {which, like you, i don’t}, i’d have you over on a warm, windows-open night to sit on my porch and drink hard lemonade or something else good, and i would definitely stay up until 3a.m. talking. i think from what i know of you on your blog, i’d have a grand old time!

  • georgia Says:

    i have know idea what your photo is of, because it is so bright in here this morning, and i have such a faded, old monitor, i can barely see it. {that is why i did not comment on the photo.} so i can’t wait to get home from work when the sun is on the other side of the house and see what your photo is of.
    : )

  • Kimberla Says:

    It’s funny how just a moment, or a thought, can be so fleeting, yet grabs on to you and sends you spinning when it’s there.

    I get this feeling, too. Most of the time I appreciate the solace to unwind after my busy day. But sometimes that solace is suffocating and you just need to be with someone.

  • Mrs Soup Says:

    I totally understand. It’s hard and draining sometimes, to need that. It was so easy in High School. But people drift apart. It’s difficult, especially if you live far apart from people that you could hang out with.

  • polwig Says:

    I continualy yearn to be alone to have time to breathe or a second to not be asked questions or demands but then I do yearn for quality adult time, reated r movies and anthing that is not G.

  • Jess Says:

    You write so fluidly…it seems so natural to read. I feel like I am reading it how you were saying it in your head while typing – that’s good writing. It’s a pleasure to read. 🙂

  • the domestic fringe Says:

    Wow. Wish I lived next door to you. I was just whining and complaining about how difficult it has been for me to forge friendships in my new community. I miss my neighbor and friend.

  • Graciel @ Evenstar Art Says:

    fyi: i’m thinking i don’t live so awfully far from you. i do prefer tea to hard liquor, though. and if there ain’t a proper porch, throw open the garage door and get out the ancient lawn chairs and my god, maybe it will rain while we’re sitting in the garage and the conversation will be even more cozy than we knew when i walked up your drive to see you.


    • Mrs. Mediocrity Says:

      sounds wonderful. I don’t even have a garage, but I have a wonderful garden and a chiminea…and we could listen to the frogs…

  • wholly jeanne Says:

    funny you mention this . . . just last night a friend called me from kansas city (she’s on a business trip). it was about 10:30 when she called, and we talked on our electronic front porch till 3:10 a.m. then she sent me a message on facebook asking if we could talk more tonight.


    the first of the week, i told an estranged friend with whom the friendship is currently/finally in the mending stage how much i missed this kind of talk. it’s too rare. they’re too far between. i crave them. down to the cellular level, i crave them.

  • beth Says:

    i wish i was your neighbor and by default, we would be friends. i have a porch, a back porch, where the moon is always visible and where talking and laughing and crying is always welcomed. and then there is our cottage….many porches there, and i think you’d want to stay for more than an evening and that would be wonderful because we would need an extra day with our thoughts and cameras as we walked in the fields and talked to the dragonflies that whispered in our ears……

    and i’m turning 46 in a few months….you visiting would be quite the gift….just saying 🙂

  • elk Says:

    i’ve always wished for this too…you touched me with this essay

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