i don’t want to grow up
{scintilla day 2}


When did you realize you were a grownup?
What did this mean for you?


This prompt made me smile, because my first thought was, “Never.”

I’m still waiting to feel like a grownup, still waiting, at almost-50, to feel differently inside than I did when I was 18, or 12, or 6. And don’t get me wrong, I act like a grownup, I do all the things that grownups are supposed to do, I’ve raised children, run my own business, bought a house, contributed to society.

I’m quite responsible, other than for the occasional forgetfulness that plagues my family, as in, “I went to the store for bread and milk and forgot the bread.” I’ve always been responsible, even as a child. Always worked for straight A’s, never skipped school or even homework, got my first job when I was 12 and worked hard ever since, I take care of my health for the most part, I take care of other people when they need it, all in all, I am a very grownup grownup.

But I’ve never stopped being amazed at life, I’ve never stopped being hopeful, I’ve never stopped looking at the world around me in wonder. Never stopped with the rose-colored glasses.

Okay, I have missed a few days. Maybe even months.

But I always go back to that place, the same place that will find you lying on your stomach in the grass watching an ant try to move a potato chip, the place that lets you believe in the magic of Santa Claus, the place that lets you see how fragile and wonderful and beautiful life is, believe in the goodness of others, be certain that the sun will rise another day.

I have always been a Caretaker of Wonder.* And inside this body that seems to be aging without my permission, this keeps me young. Yes, young at heart is the best I can hope for at this point in my life, but that’s not so bad.

My goal has long been to never become a bitter old woman. It is (and I have mentioned this several times before) to be the old laughing lady. If that means that I will never really truly feel like a grownup, well, then I am okay with that. I may not be able to get back up once I lie down to watch ants crawl through the grass, but I am okay with that, too.

I can always roll over and see what shapes I can find in the clouds up in the sky.

I think I see an angel, don’t you?

*From one of my favorite children’s books by Cooper Edens.

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{scintilla day 2}

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