pattern play

Maybe it’s because I have a blog now, this journal that chronicles my days, and maybe it’s because I’ve been doing this for a full year, but I am beginning to see the patterns of my life, ups and downs, hills and valleys, joy and discontent. Things I don’t think I ever noticed before.

I suppose having a blog forces you to become the journalist of your life, reporting on the world as you see it. It has a way of placing you under a microscope, and you start to focus on all the details.

I see the way I do things, or don’t do them, I see that the basement that was a mess last year is a mess again, that my desk is always messy, that my studio collects things no matter how many times I clear it out. There is the chair in my bedroom that grows clothes, the stacks of books that migrate to different rooms, the bench in the kitchen that is always cluttered.

I see the things I do over and over again, every year, every season, every day. I see the hours as they pass by, but I also see the sum total of their passing. Some days add up to much more than others.

I see cycles of whining and complaining, stress and calm, being sick and being healthy. I see the joy at the beginning of each season that wears out its welcome just as the next one shows its face. I see myself noticing the subtle way sunlight shifts with each month as it falls across the yard… did I ever notice that before?

I see myself as in a book, and I thumb back and forth through the pages finding phrases and sentences again and again. Sometimes I like what I read, other times, I cringe. Sometimes I am surprised to find myself there. It’s like looking in the mirror.

So am I noticing these things because of this blog, or simply because I’m getting older? Or both…?

Mostly, I’m thinking it’s a good thing, that I am building some sort of manual for my life. Perhaps it will instruct me on how to fix the things that are broken, how to avoid making the same mistakes over and over again. Perhaps it will teach me a thing or two about myself and this world, and one day, I will find that all my bad habits have been broken, eradicated, overcome.

Okay, fine, we all know that’s not going to happen.

But perhaps as I write my way through another year, I’ll find a word or a sentence that alters the pattern, ever so slightly, so that next year I can look back and see myself wearing a different dress.

One that feels comfortable and makes me smile each time I put it on

to go out and chase those shadows through the garden.

13 Responses to “pattern play”

  • Jennifer Says:

    As a writer and adult educator, I am really, really big on journalling, for these very reasons, mostly for its ability to make us *see* better – outside ourselves and in. I’m thinking that the things we see as ‘bad habits’ are sometimes addressed through our journalling about them (I can’t stand to write that one more time so I will fix it). Other things, like the clothes growing on chairs, don’t really matter so much, when you look at the more important stuff that’s coming out in the writing. No?

    Great post – well said.

  • Kathryn Says:

    Love this post . . . I often find myself thumbing through the pages of my life and like you there are times when I like what I read and times when I cringe.

    I love how blogging is like an online journal, marking the passing of time.

  • Jo Says:

    Its amazing the acute ‘awareness’ that regular journalling/blogging appears to awaken in us and that you so eloquently describe here: those sparkling ‘ordinary’ moments that previously we had barely even noticed… the ‘slowing down’ of our senses so that we can truly treasure all the intricate detail and nuances. Perhaps it is something that emerges as we get older. Or maybe this awareness if just one of the many benefits of prioritising our creativity and responding to the whisperings of our heart and soul. Whatever, increasingly I’m realising that this is really what life is all about… the important stuff… the awareness of ‘being’ in the midst of it all…. a simple act of acknowledgement and an opportunity to be thankful too!
    Hugs Jo xxxx

  • elk Says:

    it is a wonderful way to record ..all seasons of life…

  • Jillsy Girl Says:

    “But perhaps as I write my way through another year, I’ll find a word or a sentence that alters the pattern, ever so slightly, so that next year I can look back and see myself wearing a different dress.”

    I like this!

  • beth Says:

    i truly believe that we bloggers are incredibly blessed to have posts that we can look back over year after year…..

    and what we all get from doing that will be a bit different from each other….but it’s something we own. something that is all ours.

    i think i will call it a gift 🙂

  • Kate Says:

    If I put my thoughts to paper the way that you so ably do, I promise to never whine again.

  • Chantal Says:

    Amazing DOF in this photo, love the purpleish sepia tone too

  • Stereo Says:

    You should compile your blog entries each year into a book. Yours would be filled with beautiful pictures as well as beautiful words and you can fill your shelves with memoirs. I know that I’d read yours every single day.

  • georgia Says:

    wow, this is so insightful, kelly! and so true. my blog has revealed so many patterns in my life. how every year at about this time, i get truly down with the winter weather and so anxious for spring… and every year, i write the same old things about it.

    then, every year, i bring up how i have too much stuff and i need to de-clutter my life… and sometimes i do, but then i end up re-cluttering it.

    i could go on and on about how much my blog and my writing about my life has revealed to myself about myself. makes me wonder what others think of me! =)

    it’s a good thing, though… like we are writing an auto-biography… a different kind of auto-biography. and it’s honesty and truth. neither of which are bad when brought to the light, if we are sincere.

    love this post… and the photo, as usual. this is why i have missed your blog!

  • Barbara Says:

    What a beautiful post. I know exactly what you mean – I’ve been blogging over two years now, which just boggles my mind. I love looking back at old posts – some I’ve forgotten and some were so familiar I thought I had just written them. (And sometimes I cringe, too.)

  • Marcie Says:

    Something about journaling and chronicling ones life..and getting older all at once and the same time that makes us acutely aware of the passage of time. Beautifully and inspiringly written!

  • Noel Says:

    I so agree with the whole post, especially the end. After all, a river doesn’t change it’s course in a day. (Can’t remember who said that … but I’m pretty sure it was someone famous.)

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