i know, i know

Shadows play on the walls of my living room as I sit here, tired after spending the day painting one small section of my house, autumn’s golden light playing games with me, telling me I also need to trim the rose bush that has grown across the window.

i know, i know.

Life is very needy just now, whining and begging for this and for that, most of all for my attention. Attention that I had placed elsewhere, here, perhaps, or in my heart, attention that I don’t have to give to house cleaning and house painting and trimming bushes and the multitude of other chores that appear while I’m not looking.

i know, i know.

I’ve gotten better at ignoring the needy parts of life, better at focusing my tunnel vision on the spot I want to live in. But sometimes you just have to stop and tend the things that need tending. Mend the things that need mending. Sometimes, even though there is just way too much to do, it all still needs to get done.

i know, i know.

Sleep does not come easily these days, crazy dreams, bad ones, violent ones, insane couldn’t possibly be happening ones. For a while, I blamed the cold medicine for that, and for the insomnia, lying there until one a.m., two a.m., three. The sleep, when it does come, just as my husband gets up to start his day, is filled with images and motion and offers no solace, no rest, no reprieve.

i know, i know.

When i get up in the morning, I look at sunlight and rain with exactly the same expression. When I move through the first hour of the afternoon, my thoughts lie like ripples on the surface of the evening. I see them there, proof of some liquid sentience, but I cannot pick them up, use them for anything, they slip through my fingers. When I go to bed at night I fill my pillows with decisions.

i know, i know.

I sound like a broken record these days, this too-busy time with its long to-do list dancing through my days like these shadows on the wall, not here for long, nothing to worry about, really. Just something to distract me from everything I’m doing.

i know, i know.

18 Responses to “i know, i know”

  • Skye Says:

    Kelly, you have such a way with words! I love that phrase & idea, “when I go to bed at night I fill my pillows with decisions”…I will be carrying this with me today. <3

  • Jillsy Says:

    That very sentence Skye mentioned hit me as well.

    I can empathize with putting off the mundane for other more enjoyable activities!

  • emma Says:

    Oh, Kelly, how I know, I know!

  • Amy Says:

    Huge hugs to you, Kelly. I understand that space and have been in it many times. You are in my thoughts.

  • Sally G. Says:

    I very much connected with the tedium of what nags at you, what must be tended to ~ when the heart is longing to be elsewhere, creating perhaps, fulfilling for sure – the tedium so devoid of meaning that it really does suck the spirit out of you, leaving lethargy in its wake.

    I cleared the side garden yesterday ~ and I have an enormous platter of green tomatoes (beefsteak and cherry) to show for it. The energy behind the clearing wasn’t nearly as exciting as the energy that went into the planting.

    I think, as far as life phases go, I’m very much late-Fall … and longing to retreat within, hibernate, rejuvenate and emerge next Spring fully transitioned into my next great chapter.

    Thank you for this space to share that.

  • Kathryn Says:

    I know, I know . . . so much of this post resonated with me.

  • wholly jeanne Says:

    i know, i know just what you mean. at least about the nagging and humongous to do list and about all the neediness that surrounds me and defines my days. i also know about the sandman not making it by till around 8 am, just about the time my phone is going to start ringing . . . with people needing something at the other end. maybe we should start a movement to ban neediness.

  • beth Says:

    i think we moms, wives, etc. should have t-shirts printed that say that….
    I KNOW I KNOW ………

    it’s just perfect really….”we’re out of milk”…..”the dog just puked”…..SO many times that would the most perfec top to be wearing !!!

    instead of talk to the hand….talk to the shirt !!!!

    oh and you fill your pillow with decisions…..i love that !…..and i guess it’s better than teardrops !!!

  • Frida Says:

    Beautiful words to this magical image.

  • jo miller Says:

    Oh Darlin’

    wish I could do something – you are such a beautiful person ( don’t argue with me I KNOW these things 🙂 ) You bring joy,beauty & truth to our lives – a gift that you lovingly share.
    Your photo is incredible – Oh wow!
    there is a telling truth to Sally_G’s comment
    we probably would do well to honour nature’s cycle , as whollyjeanne says start a movement to ban neediness –
    beth’s t-shirt idea cracks me up.
    I wish you good rest. & as always thank you.

  • Kate Says:

    Those dreams of yours worry me, as does your lack of sleep. I know there’s too much sometimes. I think we all face it at one point or another, but those dreams. Hmmm.

  • Carola Bartz Says:

    Oh Kelly… I know I know…
    And I will fill my pillow with decisions and not with questions and worries…

  • Marcie Says:

    Like you – I tend to bury my head in what’s immediately in front of me..and not tend to the things that need tending. So hard to maintain a balance. Busy is..as busy does. Beautifully written – as always!

  • Nana Says:

    What’s with the dreams, those sound like nightmares. They are not fun.

  • linlah Says:

    That whole second to the last paragraph is a print and put on the refrigerator.

  • Jennifer Says:

    Is it an artist’s thing – the letting these things build up in the mind and cause insomnia and crazy dreams? We’ve got creating to do – living to do and there are things getting in the way? So many of us suffer from these ‘moments.’

    I hope you can find some “zen value” in these necessary tasks. And go easy on yourself.

  • Krista Says:

    Beautiful and touching.

  • rhayne Says:

    If only we could ignore the needy things in life and just pay attention to the *want to’s*…it’s like a rotating conveyor belt that never stops. There is always something that nags to be done…and once you get over that thing, there’s ten more behind it.
    Oh, I hope you are finding yourself in more peaceful dreams these nights. Put some lavender in your pillowcase. If nothing else, it smells wonderful.

    This photo is absolutely gorgeous! That little tiny circle of light up there in the top right corner? I love that part best.

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