she’s come undone
Lately I am having the hardest time buckling down, getting things done, accomplishing anything. I blame it on the weather, but it’s a lame excuse. And then I start to wonder why I need to blame it on anything at all, is it a flaw, this lack of drive, or is it just a temporary state, a time to refill and recharge and allow whatever happens, or does not happen, to be?
In fact, I gave myself permission to do just this, to do whatever I wanted in January, or not, as I so desired. Of course there is work, and that is not optional, but beyond that, I told myself it would be okay if I did nothing, at least for this one month.
And here I am feeling guilty about it, constantly feeling like I should be doing this thing or that thing, or accomplishing something, or getting this, this and this ready for the year ahead. Silly me.
Or crazy, workaholic me, whichever comes first, and these days, I’m just not sure.
I gave myself permission and that was not enough. I planned for this break, and now I second-guess myself. Every evening, I walk around in circles trying to choose what to do, when all I really want to do is read.
So much for balance.
I am completely off-kilter and it’s only the middle of January. I have forgotten how to relax, and now I am stuck in this limbo between running around like crazy and enjoying some down time, not really doing either one. And so, not reaping the benefits of either.
I keep thinking I must be doing something wrong. I know my life is good, I do. I just need to figure out a way to make the days less of a jumble. Is that even possible? It looks like other people do it, but I have never figured out the secret.
I don’t have an organized brain. I accept this about myself. I work around it, but I always end up back in the same chaotic place. I think it’s who I am. Are creative and organized mutually exclusive? Maybe, I have no way of knowing.
Or maybe I just wasn’t meant to be buckled down. But we’re all buckled down to this life in one way or another, aren’t we? Even Peter Pan had to have his shadow sewn back onto his foot.
Still, my mind keeps rebelling and flying off to other places, declining to go where I direct it, refusing to stay where I set it down.
How does that saying go, “If you love something, set it free?”
I’m thinking it might just be time to give that one a try…
this post is part of one word wednesday over at jillsy girl